Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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