There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
