Sry I called you an 8
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
