There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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