genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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