Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
