There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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