Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
