Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
