bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
