You work out of a Hotel?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
