Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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