Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
