Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
