I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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