I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
