hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
