TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize