I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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