I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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