i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish my penis had a tongue
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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