I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
