sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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