If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
