Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
