Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
