i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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