Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
