Where is the hickey?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
