You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
