I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
