my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize