I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
