my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize