life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
