my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
