Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I want to have your abortion
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
