If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just found puke in my bra..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Shame - the story of my life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
