You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
