In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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