Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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