Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
