you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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