I met the friendliest cop last night
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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