You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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