He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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