dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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