you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
