I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
