So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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