Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
