apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
