Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
