btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
