The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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