I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
