dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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