Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize