Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
