she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
