I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
