WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
