I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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