Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
