so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
