I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize