I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
